I found out that I was pregnant with Paxton on July 27th, the day after my 27th birthday.
I love this goofy face!
I was over-the-moon excited as we had been trying to get pregnant for quite some time with no avail (we had miscarried in February 2013 and were really trying not to get discouraged.)
I FaceTimed my cousin and partner-in-crime Kristen as soon as I stopped jumping up and down. I was excited out of my mind, showing her the positive pregnancy test as we both cried. Kristen was about 9 weeks ahead of me with her pregnancy and we were both so excited to be pregnant at the same time! I got a baby on board window cling and went to go visit Josh at Costco.
As you can tell we were both pretty stinking excited! We could tell it was going to be super difficult to keep our news a secret, especially from our family... I was experiencing some crazy exhaustion and nausea (not to mention out of control cravings for all sour candy) so Josh and I decided to share the news with our siblings and parents.
We went on our usual vacation to Montana and while sitting around the campfire one night I felt a gush and knew something was wrong. I hurried off to the bathroom and was devastated to find that I was bleeding, a lot. The rest of the vacation felt like it drug on forever. I just wanted to get home to see my doctor and get some answers. We were unsure if I had miscarried or if this was some weird complication like I had experienced with Jay. I was so worried for our baby and just kept praying that God would give me peace. When we finally got home I went to go see my doctor who had me come in for 3 blood tests over the course of a 10 days to see if my hcg levels were dropping, which would indicate that I did in fact lose the baby. I don't even know how to explain the way I felt during those weeks other than I was completely drained... mentally, physically and especially emotionally. I was holding on to a glimmer of hope, I was still experiencing the nausea that I had before the bleeding started and I was hoping that was a good sign. My doctor e-mailed me after going over the test results to tell me that my levels were continuing to drop and that I was definitely miscarrying. She told me that I should get a lot of rest, that it should be over within a week and that we shouldn't try again for 2-3 months. The thought of trying again, ever sounded impossible. The thought of possibly miscarrying another baby was an unbearable thought.
After a week of resting I was still bleeding off and on and was extremely nauseous. It was nothing like the other miscarriage I had experienced earlier in the year, I just wanted this nightmare to be over. I knew that I had lost the baby and was ready to start trying to get back to normal. I finally called to make another appointment with my doctor because I knew that something just was not right. My doctor didn't have any openings for another week so I agreed to see a nurse practitioner (who I love and who also just so happens to be my friends mom). When I went to my appointment she listened to my story and looked over the blood tests and told me that while my hcg levels had dropped, they were still fairly high and in a normal range for carrying a child. She expressed concern over how much they had dropped though and sent me over to Seattle for more testing. I was very nervous. I had been through the most emotional roller coaster and was sure that there was no possible way that I could be pregnant. I wouldn't allow myself to even think pregnancy was a possibility because I couldn't bare the thought of the hope being squashed again. My nurse practitioner had me get on the next boat to Seattle to Virginia Mason, where they do not do any baby related type of medicine, needless to say that I was worried that maybe there was something else wrong with me that she wasn't sharing.
As I waited with Josh for my ultrasound the minutes drug on forever until the nurse finally called us back into the room. The ultrasound technician had no idea what we had been going through and told us that the our nurse practitioner had sent a note for them to do some investigating in my uterus. I laid back, mentally preparing myself for bad news. I watched the screen as the ultrasound technician lurked around trying to find out what was going on inside of my body. While she looked around I saw a large dark mass on the screen that technician seemed to be avoiding. I looked up at the technician noticing that she seemed very uncomfortable, she told me that she needed to show the images to a radiologist and that she would be back in a bit. Josh and I commented on how awkward she was behaving. When she returned she said nothing. Once again, she applied the warm blue gel and started to take more and more pictures while looking very confused. I stopped looking at the screen and just focused on my breathing, praying for peace and hoping we could go home soon. The technician was taking a very long time, Josh's mom was sitting in the waiting room with Jay and I was feeling annoyed that this was taking forever. I opened my eyes and turned to look at the screen, starting to watch the ultrasound again. I noticed once again that there was a lot of darkness on the screen... The nurse started working her way to the other side of my stomach and said, "well, there's your baby!" Like it was nothing! We did a double, a triple and then a quadruple take... and she was right. There on the screen was a baby, our baby! How?! The ultrasound tech excused herself again while Josh and I were left speechless and stunned. How was this possible?? When she came back into the room, the doctor followed behind her and explained that she wanted to take a look at my uterus herself. Yet again the warm blue gel was applied as I looked at our baby once more with tears rolling down my face this time. The doctor turned the screen away from us and turned the screen on the wall off so that only she and the technician could see whatever they were looking at as they talked in hushed tones to each other. Poor Josh's hand was a lovely color of red and purple from me constantly squeezing his hand off and on again throughout the appointment. Finally, the doctor excused herself and the ultrasound tech turned on the screen to show us one last peek at our miracle baby. She congratulated us and told me that my doctor would be calling within an hour or two and that I would want to speak with her.
I was on cloud 9 and was ready to tell our family the news! They had been grieving with us and helping with Jay while I was exhausted, I knew that they would be just as shocked as we were by the news. Josh, Jay, my mother-in-law and I went out to lunch to celebrate at the Nordstrom Cafe and to tell the happy news to Josh's brother Richie who works there. As we were leaving lunch my phone rang and I saw the number from the doctor's office. I excused myself and went to stand outside in the sun to take the call from the nurse practitioner who had seen me just hours before. I thanked her for really listening to me, looking into my symptoms/blood levels and making me go get the ultrasound. She warmly congratulated me and told me that she was so happy for me, I told her about how awkward and secretive the ultrasound experience was and she said just my name... "Britt" I could tell that this was not her professional doctor voice, her tone indicated that she was about to say something important... "During the ultrasound they found out why this has been so confusing. You were pregnant with twins. Thankfully the living twin is measuring perfectly healthy and seems to be unaffected by the loss as they were fraternal twins...." The rest of the conversation was a blur. I stood outside in the sunshine alone, watching the traffic on 5th Avenue and trying to make sense of the last few weeks. I felt so blessed for the little life inside of me yet heartbroken for a baby I didn't even know but loved.
Jay after telling Uncle Rich he was going to be a big brother
Jay was so excited, we went to Volunteer Park after lunch to play and decompress.
Gorgeous blooms at Volunteer park that made me cry.
Well, I'm sure it was actually the hormones that made me cry
but... you know what I mean!
