Thursday March 20th, 2014
Paxton James Beahan was born at 9:47am, he was 6.9lbs and 19.75" and he was perfect.
I don’t know if I am the only one to have this fear or not, but I was worried before getting pregnant with Paxton... worried if I could love another baby as much as I loved Jay. I didn't know if I had room in my heart to love another baby as fiercely as I loved Jay. Even after I got pregnant I didn't know if I would have to share my love between the two of them. Then I remember so clearly as our doctor first held Pax up, my heart just grew. I didn’t need to make space to for Paxton in my heart because my heart doubled and there was a place just for him in my heart. I felt so much love as I first saw him, it was the such amazing feeling and I feel blessed to have experienced that overwhelming/live changing love twice now.
When I had Jay everything was so new and overwhelming. I really had no idea what to expect when I had Jay, it was so nice to have a first hand idea of what to expect the second time around. Once nice thing about having a scheduled c-section was that I knew exactly when we would be meeting him and we could prepare. I cannot tell you how excited we were to have our little guy safely in our arms (especially after losing Paxton's twin.)
Josh and I got on the 6:00am ferry to Seattle on March 20th to get to the hospital in time for our 8:00am check in.
(on the boat, pregnancy bloat in full effect)
We were so excited, I was a little nervous... to say I didn't get much sleep the night before would be an understatement. We got to the hospital and checked in, they gave me my lovely hospital gown and left Josh and I in the room. Our nurse was so sweet, as soon as she found out that Josh and I were both EMTs... funny how that worked. When we first arrived we were told that there may be a delay in our surgery time so Josh and I got comfy and I even snuck in a few zzz's.
...can you say blackmail? (I found this on my phone after we got out of the hospital, sneaky-sneaky Josh)
After we had been told that it would be awhile our nurse friend came in and told us that she had pulled a few strings and that they were ready to go! Things really got moving quickly after that and I was so thankful that I knew what to expect after having Jay.
One thing that was very different this time around was that they made me walk back to the OR. I was starting to get anxious and was so happy to our old buddy, Mr. Anesthesiologist! In all seriousness though I was so glad that we had the same anesthesiologist that we had with Jay, he remembered us and had even worked with Josh's grandfather who was also an anesthesiologist. I was pretty nervous about the spinal block and he was so calming, he even let Josh come in the OR early so that he could be there to hold my hand while the block was administered.
Everything was eerily familiar in the OR. There was the same sterile scent, the room was so stark and bright, we even had the exact same staff in the room that we had with Jay! I was given the spinal block and was strapped down to the table as I waited to get the warm-and-tinglies... and they just weren't coming. The doctors decided to tilt the operating table so that my feet we were up in the air and all of a sudden I started feeling it... I let them know that and they put the table back to normal as I felt my feet go numb, then my legs, my hips, stomach and then my chest. I started to feel tingling in my fingers and it felt really hard to get a deep breath in.
I was really nervous that I was going to be able to feel the incision and was trying to take deep breaths to calm myself, but was having a hard time since the block had reached so high.
I love our OB so much. Our OB actually delivered my brother and sister, as well as Jay and Pax. I always looked forward to my appointments with her because she is much more than an OB to us. Since Dr. B knew us and knew of Josh's firefighting/EMT background, she let him watch a lot of the surgery. While I was not super thrilled at the though of Josh seeing my insides, he was so excited to watch that I couldn't say no! I will admit that I missed having him next to me the whole time, but watching his face in amazement was pretty priceless.
I was trying to remain calm and take a deep breaths but I was getting anxious, feeling like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I was so thankful that Josh came over to hold my hand and told me how proud he was of me, reminding me that soon enough we would meet our baby and it would all be worth it.
Our doctor had a bit of a struggle getting Paxton out as his cord was wrapped around his neck twice and once under his arms, his umbilical cord was freakishly long. I didn't know if that had anything to do with our twin loss or not, but the doctor did say that I would not have been able to deliver him vaginally because of the umbilical situation.
One of the most precious things in life that I have ever witnessed is watching the nurse hand our newborn babies over to Josh. When Josh was handed Paxton I was bawling. I really wish I could have pulled myself together a little more to take a picture of the moment, but it is an image that is engrained in my memory forever.
I cannot tell you how anxious I was to hold to see our sweet boy. Josh brought Pax over to my face and I kissed every little inch of him that was not swaddled. Still crying, I remember praying and thanking God for this sweet miracle baby. I was so happy when they let me hold him and wheeled us back to recovery. It was love at first sight.
When we had Jay, the waiting room was full of our friends and family who were chomping at the bit to meet our new addition. This time around Josh and I gave ourselves a buffer of time where it would be just the three of us before visitors started arriving and I'm so thankful we did.
After we got to our recovery room everything is a blur in my memory. I do remember that Josh's brother Richie came waltzing into the recovery room to surprise us as I was trying to nurse for the first time! Thankfully between our nurse and Josh a crisis was averted and Richie was intercepted before any scaring could occur! ;)
Seeing Jay meet his little brother was so precious. I am very thankful to our families for watching Jay so that Josh could stay both nights at the hospital with me, soaking up and loving on our new addition. We had talked about meeting Paxton so many times with Jay but watching him meet his little brother for the first time was beautiful, Jay to took being a big brother so naturally.
We had the sweetest nurses in our Mother/Baby room. I love staying at the hospital after having a baby, it's as if the world stops and we can just focus on loving this new little miracle. I do really wish I would have agreed to stay the extra day at the hospital before going back home. Josh says, "next time!" We'll see...
Everything went so smoothly and I couldn't have been happier with the hospital stay. Josh and I getting to have that quality time with just us and our new baby was so priceless. It's such a special time to be together and just be in the moment before going home to the real world. Doing things like napping together with Paxton on my chest, uninterrupted in our own world... it was just magical.
Paxton was born on the first day of Spring and it was an abnormally gorgeous (and rain-less) Seattle day. I'll never forget the warm glow of the sun in our room as Paxton and I had some skin-to-skin time, feeling his little heart beat and watching the his body move as he breathed... I remember thinking, "Happy Birthday sweet boy!" He was here and safe, loved and prayed for by so many with his special guardian angel watching over him from above.
We love you Paxton James, you are a perfect addition to our family. You fit into our family so effortlessly that it feels as if you've always been a part of it. Welcome sweet boy and Happy Birthday!
