30 before 30

 Hi friends! 

On New Years Eve I had kind of a scary thought... 2015 is my last full year in my 20's!!! I have a summer birthday, so half of 2016 will be spent in my 30's!  The thought of being so close to the big 3-0 seriously boggles my mind. Didn't I just graduate high school?!  With the big birthday inevitably heading my way, I thought I should start a bucket list of things to do before I have to jump into my next decade.  That being said... I present to you my 30 before 30 Bucket List!!

Source

 What do you guys think of my list?

 I was going for realistic but fun goals. I also thought that it would be fun to blog about each completed item as I check them off my list. Obviously, there are other things that I want to accomplish before 30 but I didn't think goals like"save X amount of money" or "pay off student loans" had to be done anyways and weren't that exciting. Do you have a bucket list or know of some fun things I should add to mine? Hook a sister up!!

Cheers to 2014 :: A Year to Remember

 Hey friends! 2014 was such a big year for the Beahan family that I can't let it go without posting a little review and a look back on some of our favorite pictures. Welcoming Paxton to the world and becoming a family of 4 was definitely the highlight of our year, but we had many other fun adventures too. 

➳Most memorable moments of 2014
Seattle Seahawks won the SuperBowl! 
Seahawks SuperBowl Parade
Paxton was born March 20th, 2014
Josh and I saw James Taylor in concert (was on my bucket list!)
Traveled to Eastern Washington and Montana multiple times
Josh and I turned 28
We celebrated 6 years of marriage
Jay started Pre-Kindergarten 
Backstage passes to the Blake Shelton concert (thanks Uncle Ed!)
Paxton started crawling
All members of the Beahan family landed on the Nice List! 

source

Paxton James Beahan

Thursday March 20th, 2014

Paxton James Beahan was born at 9:47am, he was 6.9lbs and 19.75" and he was perfect. 

I don’t know if I am the only one to have this fear or not, but I was worried before getting pregnant with Paxton... worried if I could love another baby as much as I loved Jay. I didn't know if I had room in my heart to love another baby as fiercely as I loved Jay. Even after I got pregnant I didn't know if I would have to share my love between the two of them. Then I remember so clearly as our doctor first held Pax up, my heart just grew. I didn’t need to make space to for Paxton in my heart because my heart doubled and there was a place just for him in my heart. I felt so much love as I first saw him, it was the such amazing feeling and I feel blessed to have experienced that overwhelming/live changing love twice now.  

 

When I had Jay everything was so new and overwhelming. I really had no idea what to expect when I had Jay, it was so nice to have a first hand idea of what to expect the second time around. Once nice thing about having a scheduled c-section was that I knew exactly when we would be meeting him and we could prepare. I cannot tell you how excited we were to have our little guy safely in our arms (especially after losing Paxton's twin.)  

Josh and I got on the 6:00am ferry to Seattle on March 20th to get to the hospital in time for our 8:00am check in. 

(on the boat, pregnancy bloat in full effect)

We were so excited, I was a little nervous... to say I didn't get much sleep the night before would be an understatement. We got to the hospital and checked in, they gave me my lovely hospital gown and left Josh and I in the room.  Our nurse was so sweet, as soon as she found out that Josh and I were both EMTs... funny how that worked. When we first arrived we were told that there may be a delay in our surgery time so Josh and I got comfy and I even snuck in a few zzz's. 

...can you say blackmail? (I found this on my phone after we got out of the hospital, sneaky-sneaky Josh) 

After we had been told that it would be awhile our nurse friend came in and told us that she had pulled a few strings and that they were ready to go!  Things really got moving quickly after that and I was so thankful that I knew what to expect after having Jay. 

One thing that was very different this time around was that they made me walk back to the OR.  I was starting to get anxious and was so happy to our old buddy, Mr. Anesthesiologist! In all seriousness though I was so glad that we had the same anesthesiologist that we had with Jay, he remembered us and had even worked with Josh's grandfather who was also an anesthesiologist. I was pretty nervous about the spinal block and he was so calming, he even let Josh come in the OR early so that he could be there to hold my hand while the block was administered.

Everything was eerily familiar in the OR. There was the same sterile scent, the room was so stark and bright, we even had the exact same staff in the room that we had with Jay!  I was given the spinal block and was strapped down to the table as I waited to get the warm-and-tinglies... and they just weren't coming. The doctors decided to tilt the operating table so that my feet we were up in the air and all of a sudden I started feeling it... I let them know that and they put the table back to normal as I felt my feet go numb, then my legs, my hips, stomach and then my chest. I started to feel tingling in my fingers and it felt really hard to get a deep breath in. 

I was really nervous that I was going to be able to feel the incision and was trying to take deep breaths to calm myself, but was having a hard time since the block had reached so high.  

I love our OB so much.  Our OB actually delivered my brother and sister, as well as Jay and Pax.  I always looked forward to my appointments with her because she is much more than an OB to us.  Since Dr. B knew us and knew of Josh's firefighting/EMT background, she let him watch a lot of the surgery.  While I was not super thrilled at the though of Josh seeing my insides, he was so excited to watch that I couldn't say no! I will admit that I missed having him next to me the whole time, but watching his face in amazement was pretty priceless.

 I was trying to remain calm and take a deep breaths but I was getting anxious, feeling like an elephant was sitting on my chest.  I was so thankful that Josh came over to hold my hand and told me how proud he was of me, reminding me that soon enough we would meet our baby and it would all be worth it. 

Our doctor had a bit of a struggle getting Paxton out as his cord was wrapped around his neck twice and once under his arms, his umbilical cord was freakishly long. I didn't know if that had anything to do with our twin loss or not, but the doctor did say that I would not have been able to deliver him vaginally because of the umbilical situation. 

One of the most precious things in life that I have ever witnessed is watching the nurse hand our newborn babies over to Josh.  When Josh was handed Paxton I was bawling. I really wish I could have pulled myself together a little more to take a picture of the moment, but it is an image that is engrained in my memory forever.

I cannot tell you how anxious I was to hold to see our sweet boy.  Josh brought Pax over to my face and I kissed every little inch of him that was not swaddled.  Still crying, I remember praying and thanking God for this sweet miracle baby.  I was so happy when they let me hold him and wheeled us back to recovery. It was love at first sight.

When we had Jay, the waiting room was full of our friends and family who were chomping at the bit to meet our new addition.  This time around Josh and I gave ourselves a buffer of time where it would be just the three of us before visitors started arriving and I'm so thankful we did.  

After we got to our recovery room everything is a blur in my memory.  I do remember that Josh's brother Richie came waltzing into the recovery room to surprise us as I was trying to nurse for the first time! Thankfully between our nurse and Josh a crisis was averted and Richie was intercepted before any scaring could occur! ;)

Seeing Jay meet his little brother was so precious.  I am very thankful to our families for watching Jay so that Josh could stay both nights at the hospital with me, soaking up and loving on our new addition. We had talked about meeting Paxton so many times with Jay but watching him meet his little brother for the first time was beautiful, Jay to took being a big brother so naturally.

We had the sweetest nurses in our Mother/Baby room. I love staying at the hospital after having a baby, it's as if the world stops and we can just focus on loving this new little miracle.  I do really wish I would have agreed to stay the extra day at the hospital before going back home.  Josh says, "next time!" We'll see...

 Everything went so smoothly and I couldn't have been happier with the hospital stay.  Josh and I getting to have that quality time with just us and our new baby was so priceless. It's such a special time to be together and just be in the moment before going home to the real world. Doing things like napping together with Paxton on my chest, uninterrupted in our own world... it was just magical. 

Paxton was born on the first day of Spring and it was an abnormally gorgeous (and rain-less) Seattle day. I'll never forget the warm glow of the sun in our room as Paxton and I had some skin-to-skin time, feeling his little heart beat and watching the his body move as he breathed... I remember thinking, "Happy Birthday sweet boy!" He was here and safe, loved and prayed for by so many with his special guardian angel watching over him from above.

We love you Paxton James, you are a perfect addition to our family.  You fit into our family so effortlessly that it feels as if you've always been a part of it. Welcome sweet boy and Happy Birthday!

Pregnant with Paxton

 I found out that I was pregnant with Paxton on July 27th, the day after my 27th birthday.

 

I love this goofy face!

I was over-the-moon excited as we had been trying to get pregnant for quite some time with no avail (we had miscarried in February 2013 and were really trying not to get discouraged.)  

 I FaceTimed my cousin and partner-in-crime Kristen as soon as I stopped jumping up and down. I was excited out of my mind, showing her the positive pregnancy test as we both cried.  Kristen was about 9 weeks ahead of me with her pregnancy and we were both so excited to be pregnant at the same time!  I got a baby on board window cling and went to go visit Josh at Costco. 

As you can tell we were both pretty stinking excited! We could tell it was going to be super difficult to keep our news a secret, especially from our family... I was experiencing some crazy exhaustion and nausea (not to mention out of control cravings for all sour candy) so Josh and I decided to share the news with our siblings and parents.  

We went on our usual vacation to Montana and while sitting around the campfire one night I felt a gush and knew something was wrong.  I hurried off to the bathroom and was devastated to find that I was bleeding, a lot.  The rest of the vacation felt like it drug on forever.  I just wanted to get home to see my doctor and get some answers. We were unsure if I had miscarried or if this was some weird complication like I had experienced with Jay.  I was so worried for our baby and just kept praying that God would give me peace.  When we finally got home I went to go see my doctor who had me come in for 3 blood tests over the course of a 10 days to see if my hcg levels were dropping, which would indicate that I did in fact lose the baby.  I don't even know how to explain the way I felt during those weeks other than I was completely drained... mentally, physically and especially emotionally. I was holding on to a glimmer of hope, I was still experiencing the nausea that I had before the bleeding started and I was hoping that was a good sign.  My doctor e-mailed me after going over the test results to tell me that my levels were continuing to drop and that I was definitely miscarrying. She told me that I should get a lot of rest, that it should be over within a week and that we shouldn't try again for 2-3 months.  The thought of trying again, ever sounded impossible. The thought of possibly miscarrying another baby was an unbearable thought.

After a week of resting I was still bleeding off and on and was extremely nauseous.  It was nothing like the other miscarriage I had experienced earlier in the year, I just wanted this nightmare to be over.  I knew that I had lost the baby and was ready to start trying to get back to normal.  I finally called to make another appointment with my doctor because I knew that something just was not right.  My doctor didn't have any openings for another week so I agreed to see a nurse practitioner (who I love and who also just so happens to be my friends mom). When I went to my appointment she listened to my story and looked over the blood tests and told me that while my hcg levels had dropped, they were still fairly high and in a normal range for carrying a child.  She expressed concern over how much they had dropped though and sent me over to Seattle for more testing.  I was very nervous.  I had been through the most emotional roller coaster and was sure that there was no possible way that I could be pregnant.  I wouldn't allow myself to even think pregnancy was a possibility because I couldn't bare the thought of the hope being squashed again. My nurse practitioner had me get on the next boat to Seattle to Virginia Mason, where they do not do any baby related type of medicine, needless to say that I was worried that maybe there was something else wrong with me that she wasn't sharing.  

As I waited with Josh for my ultrasound the minutes drug on forever until the nurse finally called us back into the room.  The ultrasound technician had no idea what we had been going through and told us that the our nurse practitioner had sent a note for them to do some investigating in my uterus. I laid back, mentally preparing myself for bad news. I watched the screen as the ultrasound technician lurked around trying to find out what was going on inside of my body. While she looked around I saw a large dark mass on the screen that technician seemed to be avoiding. I looked up at the technician noticing that she seemed very uncomfortable, she told me that she needed to show the images to a radiologist and that she would be back in a bit.  Josh and I commented on how awkward she was behaving.  When she returned she said nothing.  Once again, she applied the warm blue gel and started to take more and more pictures while looking very confused.  I stopped looking at the screen and just focused on my breathing, praying for peace and hoping we could go home soon. The technician was taking a very long time, Josh's mom was sitting in the waiting room with Jay and I was feeling annoyed that this was taking forever.  I opened my eyes and turned to look at the screen, starting to watch the ultrasound again. I noticed once again that there was a lot of darkness on the screen...  The nurse started working her way to the other side of my stomach and said, "well, there's your baby!" Like it was nothing! We did a double, a triple and then a quadruple take... and she was right.  There on the screen was a baby, our baby! How?! The ultrasound tech excused herself again while Josh and I were left speechless and stunned. How was this possible?? When she came back into the room, the doctor followed behind her and explained that she wanted to take a look at my uterus herself.  Yet again the warm blue gel was applied as I looked at our baby once more with tears rolling down my face this time. The doctor turned the screen away from us and turned the screen on the wall off so that only she and the technician could see whatever they were looking at as they talked in hushed tones to each other.   Poor Josh's hand was a lovely color of red and purple from me constantly squeezing his hand off and on again throughout the appointment.  Finally, the doctor excused herself and the ultrasound tech turned on the screen to show us one last peek at our miracle baby. She congratulated us and told me that my doctor would be calling within an hour or two and that I would want to speak with her. 

 I was on cloud 9 and was ready to tell our family the news!  They had been grieving with us and helping with Jay while I was exhausted, I knew that they would be just as shocked as we were by the news. Josh, Jay, my mother-in-law and I went out to lunch to celebrate at the Nordstrom Cafe and to tell the happy news to Josh's brother Richie who works there. As we were leaving lunch my phone rang and I saw the number from the doctor's office.  I excused myself and went to stand outside in the sun to take the call from the nurse practitioner who had seen me just hours before. I thanked her for really listening to me, looking into my symptoms/blood levels and making me go get the ultrasound. She warmly congratulated me and told me that she was so happy for me, I told her about how awkward and secretive the ultrasound experience was and she said just my name... "Britt" I could tell that this was not her professional doctor voice, her tone indicated that she was about to say something important... "During the ultrasound they found out why this has been so confusing. You were pregnant with twins. Thankfully the living twin is measuring perfectly healthy and seems to be unaffected by the loss as they were fraternal twins...." The rest of the conversation was a blur. I stood outside in the sunshine alone, watching the traffic on 5th Avenue and trying to make sense of the last few weeks.  I felt so blessed for the little life inside of me yet heartbroken for a baby I didn't even know but loved.  

Jay after telling Uncle Rich he was going to be a big brother

Jay was so excited, we went to Volunteer Park after lunch to play and decompress.

Gorgeous blooms at Volunteer park that made me cry. 

Well, I'm sure it was actually the hormones that made me cry

 but... you know what I mean!

hey, remember me?

 Oh hey, I'm still alive!

Just a few things have happened since I last posted...  like we had a baby...

I don't even know where to begin with catching up, which is partially the reason I've stayed away.

I started this blog to capture our lives so that we can look back and remember... guess I kind of dropped the ball with that! So I'm going to be doing a little recapping for bit, while the memories of pregnancy and the first months are still fresh in my mind. 

I can't wait to tell you all about our sweet baby Paxton.

I can't wait to tell you about how what an amazing big brother Jay is.

We have so much to catch up on!

But for now I just wanted to say... I'm back!

My very first vlog

 Hey everyone!

I woke up this morning and saw that a bunch of my blog friends were participating in a vlog link up today.  I continued getting ready for the day and thought, "maybe someday I'll do a vlog..."  As I was getting ready to go do some errands I spotted one of my lululemon bags that had the manifesto on it and the words do one thing a day that scares you stuck out to me...

 and I since vlogging kind of scares me, I figured what the heck I'll do a vlog!

I think it's healthy to be uncomfortable sometimes, it keeps us growing and lets us know we're alive.

 So, I'm joining in on the Show & Tell Vlog link up...

and here is my  very first vlog...

What do you guys think?  Have you ever vlogged?  

Do you try to do push yourself outside your comfort zone sometimes?  

Hope you have a great Tuesday!